I spent a huge chunk of my growing up feeling flawed and damaged. I felt very much an outsider, and sold myself out in my longing to belong and be accepted. The older I got, the more ways I found to hide from those feelings of deficiency.
In adolescence, I had escaped into my imagination, including into the world of novels and movies. In adulthood, I escaped into friendship, studying, career, travel and collecting ‘stuff’. During this time of seeking refuge, I always had at the back of my mind that I would truly find myself and be healed once I was in the arms of another – aka in a relationship.
I look back now and smile, for during that stage of my life, I made no distinction between – a hook-up, fling, dating or relationship; as far as I was concerned then, they were all relationships! (I actually only recently discovered that there was a difference between these categories – who knew!). As I moved from encounter to encounter, yearning and longing to feel whole again, I often felt like I was walking from door-to-door, with a ‘love for sale’ sign on my back. More