I used to have a picture in my head of what my boyfriend would look like, what he would do for a living, how he would dress and where he would live. And yet, each time I met someone, my list would very quickly go out of the window, as I would find myself compromising on every item on the list.
As I got older and more versed in the art of dating, I came to realize that whilst my list might have focussed on issues that did not necessarily make a relationship fulfilling and lasting, it still felt important to have an idea of what I wanted – For ‘if I did not know what I wanted, how would I know when I found it!’ During the time of this realization, my then list evolved from one consisting simply of the external stuff, to qualities that I felt were important to me.
Yesterday, I asked a range of same gender loving men to list 5 qualities that they would like in a boyfriend/partner. As I collated their responses, what dawned on me was that there were common threads running through the lists, with each one having something in common with the other. I shared this observation with one of the contributors who said “…. I think we are looking for the one thing we all wished we had, or we would love to think we have…. and want it in the one man, we would like to share our lives with”. I share their lists with you below (many thanks again, to everyone who contributed),
- Good natured
- Exclusively gay
- Proud to be gay & a man
- Has ambition
- Is monogamous
- Unconditional love
- Be comfortable with himself, friends and family
- A good sense of humor and conversation
- A gentleman and humble
- An easy smile
- Smart. I don’t mean he has to have a 1st class degree in nuclear physics or something… i just mean he should be someone who thinks before he speaks, be eloquent and has something going on in his life.
- Honest. I always hear guys saying they want an honest man, when i ask what they mean mostly refer to him not sleeping around. i do not condole promiscuity, but slips are bound to happen a few times in a relationship. Back to the point, when i say i want an honest man, i meant honest in his dealings with others as well as myself. Honest and truthful. Does not lie (or keeps it to the very minimum and in not so serious issues if must be) and having the reputation of being so.
- Funny. No! not clown funny, cos that gets annoying after a while. A guy who has a good sense of humour and sees the light in situations where one needs a moral lift. The man who likes to make others around him smile whenever they see him. That man would always be the type to have your back, and would gladly lend a shoulder to lean on.
- Patient. Patience is the greatest virtue man can ever posses. i would trust and cherish a patient man like he’s made with diamond because he’ll be priceless. Patience leads to maturity and sound decision-making. Security and a successful relationship.
- Looks. I would lie if i said i would like to be with a man of all the above qualities, but looks like a total bum. A handsome, attractive, clean gentleman with these qualities would be a dream come true. He doesn’t have to be an Adonis, but nice to look at. Easy on the eyes and a good kisser too 😛
- Committed to being in an intimate relationship
- Emotionally available
- Out to family & close friends
- Great sense of humour
- Forward (straightforward)
- Great sense of humor : I am a quiet person, I want a guy who can make me laugh & keep me company
- Kind & Caring : a guy who is kind at heart & very caring. Gives me attention
- A romantic man
- Focused & Independent : someone who has a career or has a good blue print on how his life is going to be
- Good looks: this is last, because it is not compulsory
- Self awareness
- Financial Independence
- Sexual chemistry
- Respect for others
- Honesty and trust
- Communication – if we are distance apart then we have to communicate as often as possible to keep us alive
- Good sex and working towards each others progress and how to get to the next level in out relationship
- Chemistry between us both is a big thing too…. and keeping the drama brief…. Good heart and every other thing will fall into place
One of the people I asked for a list, sent in the contribution below, which really resonated with me,
As I am getting older, I think I am realizing more & more that everyone in my life is a reflection of who I am. To that end I’ve looked less & less for specific qualities in others. Even people or qualities I don’t like, I realize are some part of me. What my intention is now is to recognize what it is that draws me to people & them to me to see if we can create something together from whatever it is we both bring to the equation. In the past there were certain qualities I looked for, but just because a guy possessed those didn’t mean we were right for each other. So I don’t have a list, I guess I am saying the quality I’d like to see most is for someone to be their authentic self and we can take it from there.
I do acknowledge that there is merit in having an idea of qualities that one is seeking in a potential beau. However, what I have now come to learn for myself is that, whilst I was busy compiling my list of what I was looking for in a potential boyfriend, never did I take time to pause and ask whether I met the criteria on my own list. Afterall, how could I be looking to obtain what I myself did not have to give – based on my list, would I have dated me? In hindsight, I would certainly have not made the cut. One of the items on my then list of qualities, was ‘he must accept me for me’. Funny thing was, at that point in my life, I certainly was not accepting ‘me for me’. Also, the nature of my list implied that I was not accepting the potential boyfriend for himself either.
I have now come to understand that the best I can really do, is to embody the qualities that I am looking for in my list. Sometimes I forget this, and I am lucky enough to have a boyfriend who gently reminds me……. in his own authentic manner.
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