The attributes that will make me feel whole when it comes to a relationship with a man, is similar to what I already experience and have with my wife. She is good looking, monogamous, my female soul-mate, a best friend, sensitive and gentle, honest, totally unselfish and non-judgemental, very independent, financially secure and independent, intelligent, educated, well mannered, sexually dynamic and open-minded, spiritual, realistic and above all pragmatic.
I began dating my wife when we were in secondary school and I am now 46 years of age, I miss her whenever we are apart; we originally discussed and agreed to make our relationship monogamous (this has since changed on my part due to my bisexuality, albeit I strive to be discrete and respectful); we have open and honest intimate discussions; we make future plans together; we see each other often; we sleep together occasionally; we are happy with each other the majority of the time; we spend the occasional holiday together; we give each other gifts; we see each other’s families as and when required; we discuss our finances jointly; we live together; we have children together; we acquire assets together; and we are married and committed to a lifelong commitment with each other, despite my bisexuality, which is known by my wife, but rarely discussed.
My relationship with my wife has made me realise that she has a mind of her own, knows what she wants, she loves herself and manifests the attributes that she expects from me; despite me not being able to emulate all these attributes. She has accepted that I have the issues of my sexuality to grapple with and she makes the best of a complicated situation. We are co-dependent, but not in a negative way. She has taught me to love myself and accept that I am not perfect and that I am who I am. She often says to me that God created me the way that I am and ultimately it will be God that judges me; but I should be careful, manage my ugly babies discretely, be safe and respect her and the children without explicitly asking me if I am sleeping with others. Being given a second chance with my wife saved my soul. I say this because, whilst trying to live a gay lifestyle my religious beliefs and the embedded religious indoctrination was making me to have erroneous and negative thoughts about myself; and I felt that my life was in stagnation and that I was living in hell on earth. I often felt cold, lonely and lifeless because I felt guilty for getting married and having children; and I wanted what I currently have with my wife, but did not feel that it was acceptable or that I deserved to direct my own lifestyle choice because of what others and society would think. Fortunately, I have an understanding and forgiving spouse.
I cannot in all reality now expect all the attributes that I have with my wife in a same gender relationship whilst I remain married, which is my intention, but I was probably seeking this at some point in my journey of self-discovery when I tried to live a gay lifestyle; but I was never able to find the fulfilment that I am grateful to have today.
Yet I still yearn for a male soul-mate regardless of my current marital status. I have made my life so complex by wanting this and not being satisfied with my lot, but I am who I am. I want to have my cake and eat it! I am seeking a man who has made a similar lifestyle choice to that which I have made. Perhaps this will happen for me one day and perhaps it will not. I wish I could reduce my sexual promiscuity by having one same gender lover as my soul-mate, though I try to do this by sleeping with the same person until we decide to part ways. I have been fortunate enough to have had long term relationships – long term meaning lasting up to two years a time for the past few years until this last year. Though, some of these relationships have been psychologically and emotionally destructive to both parties due to the compromises that have had to be entertained by both parties.
How do I now justify my existence and my desire for a same gender relationship while remaining married?
Well, ultimately I am a black bisexual man working to achieve a better life for me and my immediate nuclear family. I chose to marry a female, I brought my children in to this world and I owe them and my wife, a happy and well balanced family life. I do not believe that I am living a lie because I have been honest with my wife and the majority of the time I am happy and fulfilled; I hope she is too. There is however a void that I contain and control, but occasionally lapse by having same gender sex now that I am not in a committed same gender relationship. I am always honest with same gender partners to enable them make an informed choice whether they want to have sex with me or not.
I am continuously trying to improve my life through being financially independent, independent in my thoughts, honest with the people that matter most in my life, determined to remain sane, determined to live a lifestyle of my own choice despite what others may think and striving to have the will power to control my sexual appetite for regular same gender sex, all the while acknowledging my blackness, my same gender loving nature; and promoting this with pride as an advantage and privilege. I am who I am.
Copyright © 2011 Paradox.