Conforming, in order to be accepted……

…….. well, that’s just too high a price to pay!

Ade FBWhenever I reflect on the relationship that I had with my father, one of the things that I regret was that I never fully showed up in our encounters. I was so busy trying to be the person that I felt he would like me to be that by the time he passed away on 27th January 1995, I was completely out of touch with the person I was.

I recognize now that in my longing for acceptance and love, I had suppressed so many emotional wounds developed from feeling different and not fitting in.

With my father passing, I vowed not to repeat that pattern with my mother, and others who were part of my life. Over the years, this has proved to be ever so challenging and not so easy to implement. Conforming to be accepted had become such a learnt behaviour, that doing something different, like honoring myself sometimes felt unnatural.

The first conversation I had about my sexuality with my mother happened about a year after my father died. It was heated, raw and painful.  I broke contact for a couple of years, as it was too painful to see the hurt in my mother’s eyes. The second conversation with her took place 15 years later and it was just as painful, if not more. Again we broke off contact, during that period she passed away. More

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Losing myself in the arms of another

I spent a huge chunk of my growing up feeling flawed and damaged. I felt very much an outsider, and sold myself out in my longing to belong and be accepted. The older I got, the more ways I found to hide from those feelings of deficiency.

In adolescence, I had escaped into my imagination, including into the world of novels and movies. In adulthood, I escaped into friendship, studying, career, travel and collecting ‘stuff’. During this time of seeking refuge, I always had at the back of my mind that I would truly find myself and be healed once I was in the arms of another – aka in a relationship.

I look back now and smile, for during that stage of my life, I made no distinction between – a hook-up, fling, dating or relationship; as far as I was concerned then, they were all relationships!  (I actually only recently discovered that there was a difference between these categories – who knew!). As I moved from encounter to encounter, yearning and longing to feel whole again, I often felt like I was walking from door-to-door, with a ‘love for sale’ sign on my back. More

Settling and Compromising

Wanted to share with you a quote a friend recently shared on Facebook, poignant as our theme of the month is ‘relationships.’

“Knowing the difference between settling and compromising. They are NOT the same. When you settle in a relationship you KNOW that your needs are not being met and they probably will not be met in the future by your mate. You know this and you make the conscious choice to stay…most of the time this is due to fear of moving out of what has grown to be comfortable for you.

When you compromise in a relationship you recognize that some of your needs probably won’t be met but some of them will….you cut your losses and are content with the benefit of a MUTUAL agreement. This agreement gives hope to the idea that more of your needs will be met in the future by your mate.”- Sunny Couture Tookes

I have certainly mistaken settling for compromising in the past, with an old mantra of ‘better the devil you know…….’. Yes, there is a fine line between the two; although deep down in our heart, I believe we always know which one we are doing.

Thanks for the quote Stephen!

The Ultimate Relationship

Standing Still

Today I wish to answer a simple question. What is the most important relationship in the life of a man? For many the answer is simple, his family. The one group of people who would ideally always love him unconditionally, hold his hand when he needs them and allow him to be there for them as well.

Sometimes, I agree with these people that family is indeed the most important relationship and it becomes even clearer to me on days like yesterday when my cousin was getting married and I went to his dad’s house. It was full of people attending to various matters as though their lives depended on it. In many ways, I guess their lives did depend on it; they were playing their respective roles in symbiotic play where no one was the loser. I looked at my uncle and I could see in the way he smiled that he sits back at quiet times, thankful that he had a wife and five children, four of whom were married with children and present at the house; that he had his five siblings, and two of whom were there that day with their wives and children, all to make this day easy and joyful for him. His wife had passed earlier that year but her sisters and their children were in his house too, preparing to extend their reach to bring in another woman, his son’s wife and by so doing enlarge this family. More

Honouring my bisexuality and the desire for Relationship

The attributes that will make me feel whole when it comes to a relationship with a man, is similar to what I already experience and have with my wife. She is good looking, monogamous, my female soul-mate, a best friend, sensitive and gentle, honest, totally unselfish and non-judgemental, very independent, financially secure and independent, intelligent, educated, well mannered, sexually dynamic and open-minded, spiritual, realistic and above all pragmatic.

I began dating my wife when we were in secondary school and I am now 46 years of age, I miss her whenever we are apart; we originally discussed and agreed to make our relationship monogamous (this has since changed on my part due to my bisexuality, albeit I strive to be discrete and respectful); we have open and honest intimate discussions; we make future plans together; we see each other often; we sleep together occasionally; we are happy with each other the majority of the time; we spend the occasional holiday together; we give each other gifts; we see each other’s families as and when required; we discuss our finances jointly; we live together; we have children together; we acquire assets together; and we are married and committed to a lifelong commitment with each other, despite my bisexuality, which is known by my wife, but rarely discussed. More

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