…….. well, that’s just too high a price to pay!
Whenever I reflect on the relationship that I had with my father, one of the things that I regret was that I never fully showed up in our encounters. I was so busy trying to be the person that I felt he would like me to be that by the time he passed away on 27th January 1995, I was completely out of touch with the person I was.
I recognize now that in my longing for acceptance and love, I had suppressed so many emotional wounds developed from feeling different and not fitting in.
With my father passing, I vowed not to repeat that pattern with my mother, and others who were part of my life. Over the years, this has proved to be ever so challenging and not so easy to implement. Conforming to be accepted had become such a learnt behaviour, that doing something different, like honoring myself sometimes felt unnatural.
The first conversation I had about my sexuality with my mother happened about a year after my father died. It was heated, raw and painful. I broke contact for a couple of years, as it was too painful to see the hurt in my mother’s eyes. The second conversation with her took place 15 years later and it was just as painful, if not more. Again we broke off contact, during that period she passed away.
As I go through my old journal from last year and reflect on my trip to Lagos for my mum’s funeral, I am struck by an entry I made a few days after the funeral;
My mission is to Occupy My Life….
to Live it…Deeply.
…To be Fully Present in My Life
and to show up Undivided in all my interactions…
It’s no longer about doing stuff,
because others expect me to do so,
but doing it, because I want to….
I need to start honouring me.
The days of self-abandonment are over.
….On certain occasions,
I know my mission will not be that easy,
For I have spent so long trying
to be someone else…
and I am still trying to rediscover who I am.
So I know that I will need courage and commitment
…. to stay on this Path.
…But it is my goal….
To live my own Life and
be True to mySelf….