Conforming, in order to be accepted……

…….. well, that’s just too high a price to pay!

Ade FBWhenever I reflect on the relationship that I had with my father, one of the things that I regret was that I never fully showed up in our encounters. I was so busy trying to be the person that I felt he would like me to be that by the time he passed away on 27th January 1995, I was completely out of touch with the person I was.

I recognize now that in my longing for acceptance and love, I had suppressed so many emotional wounds developed from feeling different and not fitting in.

With my father passing, I vowed not to repeat that pattern with my mother, and others who were part of my life. Over the years, this has proved to be ever so challenging and not so easy to implement. Conforming to be accepted had become such a learnt behaviour, that doing something different, like honoring myself sometimes felt unnatural.

The first conversation I had about my sexuality with my mother happened about a year after my father died. It was heated, raw and painful.  I broke contact for a couple of years, as it was too painful to see the hurt in my mother’s eyes. The second conversation with her took place 15 years later and it was just as painful, if not more. Again we broke off contact, during that period she passed away.

As I go through my old journal from last year and reflect on my trip to Lagos for my mum’s funeral, I am struck by an entry I made a few days after the funeral;

My mission is to Occupy My Life….
to Live it…Deeply.
…To be Fully Present in My Life
and to show up Undivided in all my interactions…

It’s no longer about doing stuff,
because others expect me to do so,
but doing it, because I want to….
I need to start honouring me.
The days of self-abandonment are over.

….On certain occasions,
I know my mission will not be that easy,
For I have spent so long trying
to be someone else…
and I am still trying to rediscover who I am.
So I know that I will need courage and commitment
…. to stay on this Path.

…But it is my goal….
To live my own Life and
be True to mySelf….

OutTales 2013

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. rmedina49
    Feb 25, 2013 @ 17:29:53

    good luck man


  2. gaytaylor
    Apr 11, 2013 @ 21:17:36

    Oh my. Relationships with parents—living or dead—can be so tough. My coming out to them was not well-received by either. Long story short, I distanced myself from my mother before/as she died. Both of my parents are dead now. My relationship with my dad has improved since he died; I sense he’s more accepting. My mom, not so much. I get from her my wanting to please people. My take on it is she’s still stuck in that way of being. I hope your parents will arrive post mortem at a point they can embrace you, life.


    • OutTales
      Apr 12, 2013 @ 09:06:13

      thanks for the sharing….. what you said about how your relationship with your dad has improved since he died got me thinking about what my relationship with my parents is like now……. had not really thought about it in that manner….. will certainly ponder that some more….. my gut feeling is my dad is more accepting….. not sure about my mom at this point as her passing is still recent…..


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