The Quartet: Connecting & Conforming – Belonging & Fitting-In

Ade FBI read the words again and again. They had leapt off the screen when I first saw them in the email from my friend who was having a great holiday on the other side of the globe.

He talked about watching the other vacationers and locals, and sometimes feeling like he was “the only gay in the village” and then came the words that had pierced my heart,  “… Sometimes I think it would be really nice to be straight and wander around with my girlfriend LIKE EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE DOING…”

On reflection I guess those words had resonated with me because just before opening his email, I had been browsing online through the past covers of a UK gay lifestyle magazine. I had not intended to spend as much time as I did going through the covers. But somewhere after coming across the most recent four back-issues, I was curious to see if the magazine had one with a black person on the cover. “I see no one like me here” I thought to myself; at that stage I had lost count of the number of covers I had glanced at. More

I love you, but……….

Being Gay – Same Gender Loving –
goes beyond  ‘lifestyle’,  ‘preference’,
‘orientation’, ‘behaviour’
or what I do and do not do with my ‘bits’.
Being Gay is part of my Human Identity.
It is part of my Human Beingness,
It is part of my Human Isness,
It is part of my Human Expression.
It is part of my Humanness. More

Conforming, in order to be accepted……

…….. well, that’s just too high a price to pay!

Ade FBWhenever I reflect on the relationship that I had with my father, one of the things that I regret was that I never fully showed up in our encounters. I was so busy trying to be the person that I felt he would like me to be that by the time he passed away on 27th January 1995, I was completely out of touch with the person I was.

I recognize now that in my longing for acceptance and love, I had suppressed so many emotional wounds developed from feeling different and not fitting in.

With my father passing, I vowed not to repeat that pattern with my mother, and others who were part of my life. Over the years, this has proved to be ever so challenging and not so easy to implement. Conforming to be accepted had become such a learnt behaviour, that doing something different, like honoring myself sometimes felt unnatural.

The first conversation I had about my sexuality with my mother happened about a year after my father died. It was heated, raw and painful.  I broke contact for a couple of years, as it was too painful to see the hurt in my mother’s eyes. The second conversation with her took place 15 years later and it was just as painful, if not more. Again we broke off contact, during that period she passed away. More

Love Me As I Am: gay men reflect on their lives

The Ultimate Relationship

The Head and the Heart of It

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