This entry was initially made on August 18 2006 in my blog. It was the beginning of my attempt to answer one question, that I have answered in so many different ways over the years.
What is God?
********On God. This thought started out after Jummah today **********
I believe in God. I believe he created human beings and all other things. I believe he is watching over us and keeping track of our actions. I believe in the Quran, I believe it is the word of God and I agree with most of what it says except for a very small part.
God is everything, has always been everything. So when Adam and Eve were in the garden of Eden, God was the serpent and he made them defy him in order to justify unleashing all this suffering on all of mankind to placate his sadistic nature. Then he defined free will as a way of perpetuating the deception through time. You pray to him and thank him for his mercies, but he is not merciful.
All that is wrong with this world can be fixed, but he won’t because he loves to see us this way. So I believe in God. I also believe he is a pompous, delusional bully who does not deserve the power he has or the worship he gets. I believe this because I don’t understand why he would make me lust after men at the age of 5 – when I didn’t even know what my dick was for – and still condemn me to hell for pursuing these instincts in my knowing ages. I believe this because it is impossible to not believe in God, but there’s a third option. To believe in him and rebel against him at the same time. Like bad government that can’t be overthrown; there’s no coup big enough to engulf. But I can still rebel, knowing I will never win, and nothing will come of my efforts but personal satisfaction that’s temporary. I am the spokesman of this new revolution. The anti-Christ of human dimensions I will gladly burn in hell as a price for my awareness. And if we all come to regret these things on judgment day, then paradise will be like 1984 – with men, women and children, all named Winston. (Aside: 1984 is a book by George Orwell. An excellent read I must say).
******* The end *********
Today, I do not take such a rebellious stance on religion, but I am still unable to put it all together. This blog entry is evidence of the struggle I have had with the concept of God and organized religion. I have taken time to seek knowledge and try to understand, but there is always a brick wall somewhere between comprehension and total submission to the will of a God I cannot relate with.
I am now what the holy books would call a hypocrite; practicing religion publicly for the sake of peace; having no love or fear in my heart for the God to whom I bow my head occasionally in genuflection. It is not a great place to be emotionally. The tension gets to me some times and I really fight to keep it together. Every time I say ‘insha Allah’ or ‘salam alaykum’, my mind casts itself to the truth I know right within myself.
It doesn’t help that in Nigeria, God is unapologetically shoved in everyone’s face. But at least I am honest with myself, that’s a lot more than can be said for many religious leaders today. Perhaps someday I will have the courage to be honest with the rest of the world too.
I will not always be this way; of this I am certain. I will continue to keep my mind open and learn more about God and faith and religion. It is not my wish to be a Godless sinner, floating about the world with no greater purpose than earthly satisfaction. I just don’t know how not to be that guy right now. So, however I turn out in the end; I will not judge myself for what I did in the past, because I know today that I am doing the best I can.
Copyright © 2011 The Ant Farm.