Don’t ask, Don’t tell
23 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Coming Out Tags: Africa, Family, Gay, Homophobia, homosexual, Nigeria, Shame
I remember bumping into a cousin on my way home, one early evening about eight years ago. I remember it so well because the conversation we had, has always stayed with me.
The encounter had happened many years after my so-called ‘coming out to the world’ phase. That coming out journey had meant that I had come to be comfortable within the gay scene and all that it brought. I had experienced the ups and downs of a long-term relationship, as well as the casual flings that I had hoped would lead somewhere. My close friends and mother knew I was gay and whilst I did not experience the acceptance of everyone I had revealed myself to, I was at a place in my life where I felt really comfortable about how I was – well, that is what I thought, until that encounter one early evening. More
‘Oh pleaze, we always knew you were gay!’
20 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Coming Out Tags: Coming Out, Friendship, Gay, Nigeria
Somewhere between Winter ’95 and Spring ’96, I decided that I had had enough of living in the closet and felt I needed to embark on the journey of coming out – a process which also led me to being a steward at the ‘96 London Pride.
Following the death of my father the year before, I was determined to show up more fully in my life and coming out felt like the most obvious way of embracing this longing. Prior to his death, coming out was not something that I had thought I’d ever do. I did not personally know anyone of Nigerian origin who was gay, let alone out and in my mind I felt that I’d probably get married to a woman and simply carry on with living what I had considered a ‘normal life’.
At that point in my life, living was more about compliance and fitting in. I did not consider myself someone who had the courage to honor being different.
The ongoing journey of my Coming Out and self-acceptance (Part 3)
16 May 2012 5 Comments
in Coming Out Tags: Africa, AIDS, Gay, HIV, homosexual, Nigeria
I did a new search on Google, one Tuesday afternoon in June 2011 and got my answer. I found out about the Nigerian Institute of Medical Research (NIMR). It was an HIV clinic in Lagos, sponsored by some international organizations, including the Havard Business School. I quickly got dressed and rushed down to the clinic.
I told the security guards at the gate why I was there, and was directed to the reception, from there I was directed to the lab. I found out that the NIMR carried out its own HIV confirmation test before admitting any new patients. The lab had closed for the day and I was asked to return very early the next day. I returned, but didn’t get the tests done. It had rained heavily overnight and the lab had flooded, the staff therefore did not have access to their offices. I was disappointed. I had to wait three more days to finally have the tests, as it had rained again the next day.
Friday came and I had my confirmation test, it was Positive. We had been counselled in small groups before taking the test. During the session, we were informed about how HIV spreads, safe sex practices and the options available to us if our results turned out be Positive. As my result was Positive, I signed a document that gave me patient status with the clinic, and a date for my first appointment was set. More
The ongoing journey of my Coming Out and self-acceptance (Part 2)
15 May 2012 1 Comment
in Coming Out Tags: Africa, Coming Out, Gay, HIV, Nigeria
I reached the age of 17 and was still on ‘outpersonals’. ‘PD’ wrote me one day. He was an English man who lived in France and was 48. We became online friends and for the first time I had an older friend I could talk to. He was a paying member on the site, so we could send each other messages. We clicked as great friends and we wrote each other almost everyday. He lived alone, with his dog in a big house. He told me of his past as a model and an actor. He’d ask me a lot of questions, about school, my family and life in general. I sent him pictures of Nigerian neighborhoods, my family, the markets and other places.
PD knew a lot about Nigeria because he was there in the 70’s at the invitation of his neighbours in London. He sent me lots of pictures too. As our friendship developed, he started to call our house every weekend. He cared a lot about me and often called me his son. He encouraged me to be focused in school. He asked me to stay away from Jason and his friends. PD never had any children of his own, but he was once married. Every time he wrote, he ended his email with “your friend PD”, that meant a lot to me. More
The ongoing journey of my Coming Out and self-acceptance (Part 1)
13 May 2012 2 Comments
in Coming Out Tags: Africa, Coming Out, Gay, Nigeria
Ever since I was a young boy, I have been drawn to those of a similar gender to myself; even though I never knew the word that described my attraction, until I was old enough to watch the Jerry Springer show with my older brother. He had said “funny Homosexuals”; I was 13, maybe 12. That night, I checked the dictionary for a broader meaning of the word and picked up some synonyms – finally, I knew the word that described my feelings and desires.
As a young boy, I remember kissing the boy who sat next to me in class on the lips. My classmates had laughed, but no one told our teacher. I remember watching wrestling with the whole family and being fascinated by the half-naked men. I remember spying on my uncles’ get dressed and on the neighbour in the next house taking off his clothes, when he got back from work.
As I got older, my desires did not go away. I did not have many friends and was considered feminine. I was also overweight. I was called names by the local kids – ‘sister’, ‘football-head’, amongst many others. My eyebrows made my classmates tease me the most; they always made fun of the owlish shape it had. I soon started tweezing them, I have never stopped since, and no one remembers how they originally look. More
What Coming Out means to me
08 May 2012 1 Comment
in Coming Out Tags: Bisexual, Coming Out, Gay, Nigeria
Although I am relatively content with my life and I have come out of the closet to some people, I have equally chosen to not come out of the closet to others.
Coming out of the closet to everyone in my life and to people who know me continues to scare me profoundly. I can only call this a form of profound fear because I am afraid of the awkwardness it might create for me and I fear the negative consequences of losing the things that I hold dear – this includes my sense of self, the validation and respect of some friends, some colleagues, some relatives and my in-laws – I fear what they would think and how they would react. Do I really want to know what they think about my sexuality? NO! Do they really need to know what my sexuality is? NO! Do they need to know I am not monogamous sexually? NO! More
Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore!
06 May 2012 1 Comment
in Coming Out Tags: Coming Out, Friendship, Gay, kansas
When I was 13, I knew I was gay. I didn’t do anything about it, until I was almost 22 – I spent the summer of that year in Kansas City!
I was afraid to be gay. Growing up in a northern English mill town, I heard the hate towards gay people, and I didn’t want to be hated. More
