01 Dec 2011 Leave a comment
in Reflections on 2011 Tags: Reflections on 2011
For December, the theme for the stories to be shared is ‘Reflections on 2011’.
I’m not sure about you, but it feels like one minute it was January and then in the blink of an eye, it’s December. Where did the year go?!
End of the year, always provides a moment for contemplation on the passing year – a time for us to consider, what it brought and what we hope it takes away. More
30 Nov 2011 2 Comments
in Holding On and Letting Go Tags: Coming Out, Gay, Nigeria
We had not seen each other for many weeks, which was unusual for us, as we would normally hang out most weekends. I had been the one to initiate recent telephone contact, during which I felt the intimacy gone from our conversations.
I felt something was amiss and did not know what to say or do. I wanted to address it, but deep in my heart I knew I was not ready to hear those words ‘It’s over!’ All I did was cling, afraid that letting go meant abandonment, an old childhood wound which had been reactivated, during those many weeks of not seeing each other.
23 Nov 2011 Leave a comment
Some time ago, a good friend of mine called me up. She wanted to tell me about a friend of hers who was beautiful, well-educated and available. She did this because she knew I was single, having just broken up with my girlfriend of about a year. I knew this friend she spoke of and she was indeed a good catch. Our families would be most compatible and she would make a good wife.
I have not called this her friend yet. I don’t think I will, because it will just be the same story all over again. I will befriend her, get her to love me and then detest her for doing so, because I can’t tell her everything about me. She will do all she can to make things work and it will never add up. My emotional unavailability would upset her and she will think it is her fault. She may suspect, but she would never know why. More
11 Nov 2011 6 Comments
in Holding On and Letting Go Tags: Family, Gay, Nigeria
I woke up this morning to an email from a cousin informing me that our grandmother had died; his father’s mother, my mother’s mother.
As I stood in my kitchen glued to the words in the email, I remembered the last time I saw my grandmother. It was over 9 years ago, during a visit to Lagos, when I had travelled there to face the ghosts of my past. We had not seen each other in over 15 years, and when I entered the crowded room she was in, she immediately burst into song. Even though she was well into her 80s’, she was fully alive in every way. She was frail and could not walk unassisted, and yet she swayed as she serenaded me with her words; summoning the spirits of our ancestors and thanking them for guiding me back home.
01 Nov 2011 Leave a comment
in Holding On and Letting Go Tags: Holding On, Letting Go
For the month of November, the theme for the stories to be shared is ‘Holding On and Letting Go’.
I am always amazed by this time of year, the blissful way in which trees let go of their clothing; with such grace and ease. I had never perceived trees to be one for clinging onto the present, for their leaves seem to simply fall to the ground without drama or fanfare. However, this year I noticed something different. It’s now November and many of the trees in my neighbourhood still have most of their leaves. I remember in years gone by, that would not be the case. Come November, it would feel like we were in the midst of Winter, with hardly any leaves in sight. Today, that feels very different. The leaves appear to be clinging to their home, not wanting to let go of what is.
Perhaps its all in my imagination and it’s simply me, projecting onto mother nature my own fears and insecurities around letting go.
26 Oct 2011 5 Comments
in Relationships Tags: Gay, Relationships
I spent a huge chunk of my growing up feeling flawed and damaged. I felt very much an outsider, and sold myself out in my longing to belong and be accepted. The older I got, the more ways I found to hide from those feelings of deficiency.
In adolescence, I had escaped into my imagination, including into the world of novels and movies. In adulthood, I escaped into friendship, studying, career, travel and collecting ‘stuff’. During this time of seeking refuge, I always had at the back of my mind that I would truly find myself and be healed once I was in the arms of another – aka in a relationship.
I look back now and smile, for during that stage of my life, I made no distinction between – a hook-up, fling, dating or relationship; as far as I was concerned then, they were all relationships! (I actually only recently discovered that there was a difference between these categories – who knew!). As I moved from encounter to encounter, yearning and longing to feel whole again, I often felt like I was walking from door-to-door, with a ‘love for sale’ sign on my back. More
OutTales around the Fire 